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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dorkusmagorkus' LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 10th, 2002
9:56 pm
i think i will like in a t.p. for I whil during my life that would fucking rule.
Monday, February 4th, 2002
9:57 pm
so Lauren has just made me feel ten million fucking times better just like always. I'm going to shower and try and finish my book.
Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
11:51 pm
I don't know. today started off good, I went job hunting with laruen she sort of hurt my feelings when she yelled at me though. (I know she had good reasons but I'm just a panzie.) I had a good time at her house watching t.v. she is really cute when she sleeps. I think I upset her some how tonite. (I feel like a jack ass when she's upset at me and I don't even konw why.) I try my hardest to be nice. then when she got off line I was in a fucking terrible mood towards my house and i raged down in my room 'till I almost puked. I was gaging and so close to puking. I cannot stand my parents right now. if guys were to pms this is what it would be like. I am just fucking mad at anything I see right now. i feel like screeming inside and beating shit up. (which is weird because I'm not even a violent person.)I'm not very worried about Lauren being mad at me because it seems like every time i think she is pissed she's totaly not and I was just being a paranoid bastard. after dating ashley I am so worried about making my signifigant other upset because when ashley got pissed she made me feel like the most pathetic scum shit on earth. It really fucked me up with relationships. I'm trying so hard to make her happy because I feel that to be truley happy you have to make other people happy. If she was here right now i would give her a balistic kiss atack. and hug her 'till I fell asleep. I miss her every single nite and i would sleep a million times better if she was with me. I'm really lucky to be with her 'cause she makes me really happy. in fact right now happier than anyone else makes me. Lauren you fucking rock!
12:10 am
so I like Lauren so much that I can't even for my own personal self figure out how to describe it. She makes me happier than anyone right now. I am glad that Lauren is such a bad ass. I hope that I make her happy. I want her to know that i'm not a kid who gets drunk a lot. i'm not. I don't want her to think that i'm going to run away from my house, 'cause I'm not. I wish that I could tell her how important she is to me but I can't figure out how. I feel it when I kiss her and when she hugs me too, but i can't explain it I can just feel it. god she's amazing.
Saturday, February 2nd, 2002
9:23 am
I'm a moron.
So I feel like shit. I'm way too hung over and I made an ass of my self in front of Lauren last nite. I don't want her to get the wrong idea about me. i'm not a drunk in fact a barley ever drink and now I don't even want to drink anymore. I hope that she still likes me that I can still get hugs from her.
Thursday, January 31st, 2002
12:08 am
it's no suprise to me.
Well fuck. I'm crushed. My dad wasn't even there. fuck him. I don't know that i will ever talk to him again. they supposedly got stuck. fuck that, there is always some reason for them not making it. ALWAYS. Peris fucking RULES. I've missed her a lot. my dad is a worthless peice of shit. I feel disgusted at the thought of him. What the fuck did I do to deserve such a shitty father i'm sick and tierd of being his son I don't want Parents I don't want any fucking bastards trying to fuck with my life. FUCK THEM ALL THEY ARE TREE FUCKING PANZING BITCHES. I wish I could see him so i could spit in his face and tell him how I feel about him. I would tell him he is fucking nothing to me anymore. I can't let him in my life at all I don't know how they could fuck this up. if they don't call on my birthday or christmas, that sucks, but when they get the chance to visit on my sisters 21st birthday they don't even fucking show. Pathetic. fuck them they are such fucking assholes. I fell like they went inside my heart with a buck knife and slashed it to little pieces. my dad is a fucking wuss. I don't give a shit if he almost died I don't fucking care. where the fuck has he been during the important times in my life. not even there. FUCK HIM. I wanted so bad to see him. I had this little bit of hope that things would maybe get better but no. It's hard to think that life really is that shitty when it comes to my father. now i feel like shit. I don't know what I would have done if flairis hadn't of been there. At least I'm not going to shed a tear over the bastard he doesn't deserve one of my tears. fuck this all I'm going to sleep and i'm going to try and just live my fatherless life like I do ever day. I'm not going to bitch about him again I"m just going to try and forget I have a father. No no, in fact as of right now, I have no father.
Tuesday, January 29th, 2002
12:07 am
i'm going to see my child molesting pappy.
i'm going to see my child molesting pappy.
So tomorrow I go have dinner with my dad. i'm really scared about it. I wouldn't go if Peris wasn't it means a lot to me that she is going. I need to be tuff when I see him, i'ts the only way i've made it this long. I have to ball up my emotions into a rock and not let them leak at all. (I don't mean supress them but I can't be a wuss.) I don't know what to think. I really can't believe that he is willing to go to seattle. I guess he had like 14 strokes last month and spent a week at harbor view. up until my sister talked to him I didn't even know if the bastard was still alive. I wouldn't expect anyone to call if he did die. it's fucked up how an entire family can abandon you when you havn't even done anything wrong. I am a kid, can't they fucking see that. Not having a dad has been one of the easiest and hardest things to deal with in my life. I don't think it would be so bad if I never had a dad, but having one for half your life you love him like you should love a father,(Unconditionaly.) Then he fucking bails on me. I don't have any Idea what i'm going to say to him, I can't imagine what they will look like either. (My step mom Windy also.) I havn't seen them in forever. my sister hasn't even talked to him in five years. my heart is heavy and I need closure but I don't know that this is going to give it to me. you have no Idea what the fuck I feel like inside and if you do then your fucked too because it sucks fukcing shit. not having a dad has made my insides hard. I don't mean like cool hardcore but hard like I just don't become emotinal about things anymore. (it's sort of a lonely feeling.) I don't know if I can ever trust love again. it's always failing, it's always faking and most of all it's always painful. I love myself and thats all that matters. I love my friends but I know that they could hate me in a few minutes so I'm ready to be alone again. I've had too hard of losses to risk it again. I can keep myself safer than anyone else. I opend up to AShley about everything I fucking told her everyone of my most embarrassing secrets. EVERY SINGLE THING. We all know what happend next, she minipulated me and made me feel like worthless shit. That was my fist love. (it's something that I don't like to remember.) I won't have it again. (not as easily at least, thats for sure.) It means so much that Peris is going with me I can't even describe how much she rocks for that, but I wish that Lauren could be there so I could get some It'll be okay kisses after words when I'm all fucking flusterd and confused. Lauren has been my cure for everthing lately not like I really need one, but she is so much fun to be with and i love hanging out with her. Again Lauren and Peris Rock.
Sunday, January 27th, 2002
12:54 am
Lauren is beautiful. I'm not talking hot, (even though she is very. I mean her sister is a model and Lauren is way hotter than her.) but I'm talking beauty here. She has this perfect face and when she giggles she makes the cutest noises and maks the most adorable noises. I wish that I never had to leave her. I would sleep so good at nite if she was with me. I wish that she could see herself through my eyes so that she could realize that she is truly one of the prettiest girls i've seen. sure she can rage at people, (who can't?) but she is secretly this little girl that is cute and makes me so happy that nothing matters at all when I'm with her. i have liked other girls a lot before and I'm not trying to be cheesy but I like her different then other girls. she is just like this person I love to be around you know, but at the same time I realy like her and she likes me back. it has worked it's self out so perfectly and I would love to go travel around the world with her someday. she is beautiful and I can't imagine being with anybody else. she has the best looking facial features I just cant stop thinking about how warm I feel when I look at her face and she doesn't realize that i am. I see her just lost in her head and being herself. it's amazing how much beauty is in a person just being themselves. I should probably stop my blabing so I don't ruin it all like I probably already did. SHE IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
10:00 pm
Well she didn't get back on.
FUCK.I feel like shit. I wish that she would have talked to me about it insted of just cutting me off for the nite. I don't know what to think. I don't want her to be mad at me. I am now struggling with smoking a ciggerette or not. I want to really bad. I'm sorry. I wish she could know that now.
9:48 pm
WHAT THE FUCK! I thought we were just joking around but I guess not. what the fuck? I don't even get it. I didn't mean to make her upset I don't even know what I did that was so bad? I will just sit here and hope she gets back online. fuck. I need a smoke. I wish that I could give her a hug and tell her that I was sorry. It realy hurt my feelings when she just went offline on me. I hope that she wasn't upset about the ashley thing. I realy realy like Lauren A LOT. I don't want to screw this up.
Monday, January 21st, 2002
11:23 pm
i am happy.
I love hanging out with Lauren she is the best. I wish that she could always be with me. (as long as i could skate and hang out with my friends too.) I love that I have been hanging out with my friends too they are the best in the world. I fucking hate ashley and alex I don't even know how they could do that to me. what a bitch. he fucked her while I was dating her for God's sake. what the fuck is wrong with them. it makes me feel like a scumy peice of shite. fuck them both for being disrespectful. I hate lies more than anything. (almost.) Alex is staying the nite tonite. it should be frun we're going to watch tommy boy. having friends over on school nites is the best. i want to hug Lauren dammit. I need to hang out with a couple of old friends i havn't seen in a long time. I miss them. Damn growing up! I'm happy though.
Thursday, January 17th, 2002
11:19 pm
I am a spy..
I felt like a spy tonite. I snuck in Laurens window. it was the first time I've ever done that. it was grand. i got to give her a good hug and talk for a bit. She means a lot to me. I am realy trying not to come off as a phony. I was telling her today that I won't get bored of her and that i'm friends with all my old girlfriends exept ashely. then she said that she's heard that before. I'm sure she has but I realy am friends with all my old girlfriends. i like them I think their cool people. I wish that she could know I like her a lot and unless she becomes the opposite of what she is now I won't stop. it is so incredible that she actualy enjoys doing as much nothing as I do. that is a very very good thing. i wish that I would have not had to leave tonite, and that I could have just layed there with her all nite. I hope that she knows I care about her and I'm not just letting her be another girl in my life or something 'cause thats not true. I'm damn picky and I havn't had many girlfriends at all. I'm always wishing on the 5:55's and the 4:44's that I will make her happy. I'ts all i want. I get happy by making other people happy.
Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
11:49 pm
I was just down stairs thinking about how much I like Lauren. She makes me happy no matter what kind of a mood i'm in. sometimes even if she's not there.
11:47 pm
I had a wierd day today. I was pissed at first then i hung out with Lauren and it was good, then I talked to Kendra for a little while online. I'm glad that I'm with girl who doesn't flip some insane amount of shit for talking to other girls. I cant stand how a passed relationship used to do that. after I dated her, I promised myself never to get involved with a girl who can't understand that I am going to have girl FRIENDS, too. I'm glad that Lauren is realy understanding. I'm happy with her. I like her in a different way then I have liked other people. it's weird but defenently good.
11:47 pm
I had a wierd day today. I was pissed at first then i hung out with Lauren and it was good, then I talked to Kendra for a little while online. I'm glad that I'm with girl who doesn't flip some insane amount of shit for talking to other girls. I cant stand how a passed relationship used to do that. after I dated her, I promised myself never to get involved with a girl who can't understand that I am going to have girl FRIENDS, too. I'm glad that Lauren is realy understanding. I'm happy with her. I like her in a different way then I have liked other people. it's weird but defenently good.
Thursday, January 10th, 2002
11:53 pm
if you fly to high you just might die.
I like Lauren a million and 1. I guess my sister is moving out so I have to go talk to her. my mom and her just don't get along any more it's sort of depressing. I might add entrie but i might not so fuck. I hope this doesn't get me all stressed out.
Saturday, January 5th, 2002
11:57 pm
rocking the casbah!
I don't have much to say. I'm realy happy and I don't want to do anything but hang out with her and be happy. we played nintindo today and I liked it alot. I love to cuddle with her and all the gushy stuff but I like the fact that we can just play nintindo or talk like we were just normal friends too it means alot to me. you can't have a realatonship with someone if you can't be their friend as well. she is an awsome person I like her as her and she's real too not some fake ass girly girl. thats a good thing because I like people that just admit to being who they realy are and who don't try to come off as someone their not. there are so many girls like that at capital they just need to grow up. I like her sooooooooo much. goodnite to the ZERO people who read this. ( I capitolize ZERO because it looks much cooler that way I think.)
12:24 am
well she makes me happier than anyone I know. I hang out with her almost every day and it seems impossible for me to be bored with her. we watched the lion King 2 today and it sucked. I still had a good time though. I met her mom and she was really nice. I sorta of got some clearity on what to think of realationship status so that was good. I don't care what any body asks or thinks or says I like her alot and thats what makes me happy. I'm gonna hang out with her again tomorrow I don't know If i'm going to go to fools play or not because I can't really afford it. but i'll see.
Friday, January 4th, 2002
1:07 am
bob saget rules...
I like her alot. I havn't really liked someone this much in a long time. I like likeing her this much though, it's great, I have such a good time with her. It's really damn cheesy because I miss her when I'm not with her and I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing when I'm with her. like right now i'm wishing that I could give her a huge and kiss and then go lay down and fall asleep. She cuddles very well. I wish it was summer so I could go camping with her. It would be great to fall asleep looking up at the stars and then wake up in the woods. (I'm glad that no one reads this 'cause that probably sounds extremely fake and cheesy. It's not though. Peris told me that I dress like a gay person dresses I don't know what to think of that. dammit Peris. I'm gonna go now and wish she was here with so I could tickle her.
Monday, December 31st, 2001
12:25 am
I have a crab.
So I got back from snowboarding and when I called her up she sounded excited to hear me, that was good I was afraid that she was going to not want to come over or something and she would feel akward. but thats not the case and I'm really happy because I like her a lot and she seems to like me too. I don't know what i'm doing for new years tomorrow but I hope that it will be fun. Anyways back to me having a big crush her...man I like hanging out with her so much it probably comes off that I have an intensley boring life. (because I have fun doing nothing with her.) who cares she is rad and it makes me happy. dammit I need my sleep. good-nite.
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